Why We Do This
by Mish
Summary: Sometimes we can lose track of our purpose.


_Author's Note: Another one-shot, written for a friend._

* * *

Eli strode back to his room, his cap pulled down, his gaze fixed firmly on the ground in front of him. He did not want to talk to anyone. He did not want to see any glances thrown his way. He did not want to think about the debriefing he had just left.

No one had said anything about what had happened, but he knew they were all thinking about it. He could see it in their eyes, hear it unspoken in their words, read it in their expressions. He had nearly compromised the entire mission. The entire time he was waiting for the hammer to fall. Even now, he couldn't help feeling like it was only a matter of time.

Eli did not look up until he had stepped through the doorway into his room, a tiny space with a pair of bunks against one wall and a narrow desk along the other. He didn't even have his own 'fresher here, having instead to share a communal one down the hall. Thankfully, though, he did not actually have to share this room during their brief stay on Coruscant. And it would be brief. Not for the first time, he wished he could have stayed aboard ship. As an ensign—still—he wasn't entitled to much here planetside.

As the lights came on, Eli froze, his eyes immediately drawn to the blood-red paint scrawled across the wall. _Alien lover. Commander's pet._ Reaching up, he closed his hand in a fist around his hat as he yanked it from his head, not caring that he caught some of his hair at the same time. With his other hand, he slapped half-heartedly at the wall for the panel to close the door. After two attempts, he finally found it, and the door slid shut.

His eyes widened as he fell back a half step, and he could feel his ears going red as his gaze fell on the final, unrepeatable, partially-hidden slur on the back of the door glaring back at him. With a yell of frustration, he threw his hat at the offending graffiti, gasping in horror as the door immediately slid open again and his hat bounced harmlessly off Thrawn's chest.

"Ensign Vanto?" Thrawn raised an eyebrow as his gaze dropped to the hat where it lay at his feet. Then he looked up at Eli again, a curious flicker in his eyes.

With a deep sigh, Eli sunk into the nearest bunk and threw his arm over his eyes. "You didn't have to follow me." A thought occurred to him, and he lifted his arm enough to peer at Thrawn. "Unless they're calling me back?"

"No," Thrawn murmured, and Eli felt his stomach drop as Thrawn took in the writing on the wall.

"Uh, just ignore that," Eli said hastily, getting back to his feet. "I was about to clean it off."

Thrawn stooped and picked up Eli's hat, bringing it over to him silently. Feeling his cheeks grow warm, Eli accepted it with a muttered apology. He had to get Thrawn out of the room before he saw what was written on the back of the door.

Thrawn spoke before Eli could say anything. "You have been quiet and distracted since Narrim."

"Yeah, well." Eli shrugged, trying to move Thrawn back to the door without making it too obvious. "I'll get over it. Now, if you don't need me, I have things to do." He waved vaguely at the mess on the wall.

Thrawn stared at him for a moment. Eli knew he was trying to read him, so he shoved all his thoughts down and put his best blank face on. He didn't feel like being analyzed right now. Of course, Thrawn could probably read that as well. The only sign Eli could see of Thrawn's own thoughts was the slight flattening of his mouth. Then Thrawn nodded and turned, striding away without another word.

He watched the Chiss' retreating form with a strange sense of disappointment. Wasn't that what he wanted? Wasn't this what he was trying to do by effectively shooing Thrawn out the door? He wanted to be alone. He didn't want to talk to anyone about what happened, not Thrawn, not anyone.

Falling back against the wall, he slid down to the floor, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his arms across the top of them. The hat dangled loosely from his fingers. He stared blankly across the room, the words scribbled on the opposite wall taunting him. His mind ran through a list of names of who could be responsible. There was no evidence, of course. Perhaps the holocams could show who might have entered his room, but that wouldn't matter. No action would be taken.

Should he have done differently? Should he have left it as the others would have done? He had reacted out of instinct, not thinking about his actions until it was too late. Closing his eyes, he could see it replaying in his mind. The small, canine creature running out into the open, causing his initial tension. But then the Twi'lek girl had chased after it, right into—

The sound of a bucket scraping the floor beside him startled him out of his thoughts, and he jumped. Blinking his eyes open, he saw that Thrawn had returned with cleaning supplies and was even now pulling on gloves.

Eli clambered to his feet. "Oh, sir, you didn't have to—" He cut himself off, watching in dismay as Thrawn stepped toward the door and closed it, ugly words bared before him. Eli's breath caught in his throat, and he saw Thrawn stiffen. The movement was barely noticeable, but Eli had learned to read the subtle motions of his commanding officer. Even so, Thrawn only paused for a moment. Then, as if he had not even noticed it, he bent down, grabbing one of the sponges in the foaming water of the bucket. Without a word, he began scrubbing away the crude phrase on the door.

With his heart in his throat, Eli grabbed another sponge and made his way to the other painted insults. For a few minutes, the only sound in the room was that of sponge on wall and in water. Thankfully, with just a bit of effort, the paint came off. It hadn't fully dried yet. Soon, all evidence of it was confined to the tainted water of the bucket.

Thrawn looked around the room, his expression impassive. "I would have expected them to have you stay with me in my quarters," he commented. No word about what had just happened.

Eli shrugged. "I'm just an ensign still, sir," he said. "They would not offer me officer's quarters."

Thrawn's eyes narrowed slightly. "But you are also my aide," he replied, with a small tilt of his head. "Your quarters are near mine on ship. Why should that change here?"

"I don't know why they do things the way they do sometimes," Eli said with another sigh. There was no use explaining why he was being treated the way he was. It didn't matter. "Anyway, thank you. You didn't have to do that."

"You didn't deserve this," Thrawn said quietly, indicating the defacing of the room. "And you don't deserve this room. Come with me."

"I don't know, sir..."

"If there are any questions about it, I will address them myself." Thrawn drew himself up, and Eli held back a smile. Thrawn may act innocent about it all he liked, but Eli knew that sometimes he gladly took advantage of other's discomfort and nervousness around him. Those glowing red eyes, so calculating in his ice-blue face, still sometimes sent a shiver down Eli's back. Especially if he woke to that hovering near him. He was certain Thrawn did that on purpose.

Eli looked around the dismal room, the pale light casting everything in shades of grey. If he stayed here, he had nothing to look forward to the rest of the night but his own thoughts and worries, the replaying of events that could not be changed. There was a chance that someone might return, but he had a feeling the deed was done. As much as he didn't want to discuss anything, he found that he also didn't want to be alone. "Okay, yeah," he said, moving to grab his things. "Thanks."

Along the way, Thrawn returned the cleaning supplies he had borrowed. Thankfully, no one stopped them or questioned them, and they were able to continue on without issue. As soon as they were in the privacy of Thrawn's quarters, Eli collapsed on the small couch, allowing himself to relax a little. Then Thrawn spoke.

"Your thoughts, Ensign."

Eli turned slowly toward him where he had lowered himself into a nearby chair, catching those red eyes observing him closely. For a moment, he just stared back, trying to order his thoughts and decide what, if anything, he wanted to say. "I don't know, sir," he admitted at last, letting his head fall back and his eyes close. He still didn't want to talk about it, but now he had put himself in a position where he might have to. Thrawn could be persistent. And maybe talking about it with someone who wouldn't disparage him would help the voices grow quieter.

"You are upset about the mission."

Eli chewed the inside of his lip as he opened his eyes halfway, his fingers playing idly with the cuff of his sleeve as he strove to carefully modulate his voice. "I...I guess I just didn't expect that we would catch them in the act."

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Thrawn nod. "It is barbaric," he said quietly, his voice low and brittle.

Eli grimaced, releasing a slow breath through his nose. "It's not as if it changes what they did, whether I saw it or not. I know that. And it's still happening across the galaxy, with others. But still, seeing it..." He snapped his mouth shut, forcing down the growing anger he had felt on Narrim.

"We are doing our part, Ensign, to fight against such cruelties as this," Thrawn reminded him gently. "That was the purpose of our mission."

"Yes, and I nearly botched it!" Eli said, his voice rising with frustration and embarrassment. "I acted out of turn, and I just—" He stopped, sitting forward and burying his face in his hands. "It was automatic. She was just a child. I've heard—" His voice caught, and he just shook his head.

"They were captured in the end."

"Yeah, but not after I nearly got some of us killed!" Eli stared down at his hands, now squeezed tightly into fists.

Thrawn spoke softly, "You rescued the girl when others would have left her as lost. She was returned to her family because of you."

Eli felt himself shaking, an echo of the adrenaline that had coursed through him when he saw her cowering in the shadows on the slavers' ship and had risked his life going in after her. They almost didn't make it out in time.

"Only barely." It had been a foolish move. The others made sure he knew it loud and clear the entire trip back to Coruscant. Never mind that their reasoning for the derision was because she had been an alien. Red painted words flashed through his mind again. Running his fingers through his hair, he growled, "I told you I wasn't cut out for things like this."

Thrawn was silent. Finally Eli looked up at him, meeting his calm, penetrating gaze. "Do you wish for me to have you reassigned?" Thrawn asked. It wasn't the first time he had offered.

Part of Eli wanted to scream yes, and yet...

Eli tried so hard to read Thrawn's expression, but the Chiss was much better at concealing things than he was. All the same, he knew Thrawn's offer was purely for Eli's sake. He did not want Eli to go. Why, Eli couldn't even begin to guess. Even after such a blunder as this.

Besides, if he did leave, then Culper's implied threat regarding Thrawn's future might carry through. He refused to allow that to happen. And there was something about seeing the gratitude of those he helped that was more satisfying than any word of approval for a job well done. He wouldn't get that as a supply officer.

"No," he answered at last.

Thrawn leaned forward, looking at Eli intensely. "Do not allow the opinions of others to distract you from what is important."

Eli blinked, momentarily confused. "Excuse me, sir?"

"You are allowing the words of others to affect your own evaluation of your actions," Thrawn said, his eyes glinting. "You believe you failed in your duty because the prejudiced opinions of others tell you your choices were wrong." Thrawn pressed his lips together briefly. "I am sure the young girl whose life you saved would have something different to say."

Eli swallowed, staring at the floor. "Yeah, but I still made a mistake, at least in revealing our position too soon."

Thrawn's head bowed in acquiescence. "That was due to inexperience. Mistakes can be remedied. There is always room for improvement. Those who do not recognize that are the true failures." His eyes narrowed, their glow intensifying briefly.

Eli nodded, lacing his fingers together as he considered Thrawn's words. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, glancing up and catching Thrawn's eye. Thrawn raised an eyebrow, and Eli lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. "Sorry for what was written on the wall in my room."

"That was not your fault, Ensign," Thrawn said with a curious tilt to his head. "That was due to the ignorance of others." Eli startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He stared at the blue hand a moment, then looked up at Thrawn again. "Do not let that affect you, either," Thrawn said softly. "The opinions of others do not matter. You must discern the right path yourself and stick to it, even if few travel it with you." He grimaced. "Or if you travel it alone."

Something had passed across his face then, and Eli felt an odd twinge in his chest. They stared at each other in silence for a moment. Then he smiled, reaching up to grip Thrawn's hand in his own where it rested on his shoulder. "Thank you, sir. I will remember that."


End file.
